


Real

by JohnHeckinLennon



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Modern Era, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnHeckinLennon/pseuds/JohnHeckinLennon
Summary: John Lennon is 16 years old.John Lennon is in a psych ward.John Lennon has a best friend, Paul.John Lennon loves Paul.
Relationships: John Lennon/Paul McCartney
Comments: 28
Kudos: 72





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> TW Self induced vomiting

John has been in a psych ward for as long as he can remember. Or maybe time has just..melted together. 

Apparently he's 'delusional' and 'disoriented.' 

Its all a bunch of bullshit to John.

He's completely fine, he knows that and he doesn't need some fancy doctor telling him he's not. But he's here unwillingly, and he will be until he can legally leave at 18. He's 16. 

He has a best friend, Paul. 

John has known Paul since they were kids. Paul is the only person he can trust fully.

Paul knows everything about John. Everything. 

Paul is John's only friend. 

John loves Paul.


	2. Pills

(TW: Self Induced Vomiting)

John wakes up at 8:00 AM everyday. He 'takes' his medicine at 10:00 AM. He has breakfast at 10:20 AM.

John doesn't really take his medicine. He doesn't want it. Paul won't talk to him when he's on his medicine. 

"I can't talk to you while you're on your meds, John."

"Why, Paulie?"

"You're too gone. You are distant. Different."

"They will notice if I don't take them."

"No they won't."

Now every time John takes his pills he throws them up. He sticks a few fingers down his throat and throws up the colored pills. 

Nobody notices. John is quiet. 

John doesn't like talking much.

But Paul..he can talk to Paul.

Because Paul is John's only friend.

John loves Paul.


	3. Quiet

John goes to lunch at 11:30 AM. He doesn't eat much. 

Paul doesn't eat with him. He stays in their room, waiting for John.

At 12 PM, John goes to his therapist appointment. They ask him basic questions, like how he's doing, how his medication is going. They inspect him for wounds, ask questions about his life before he was in here, ask if he has made friends, etc. 

He doesn't tell them much. Just basic responses and grunts of acknowledgement. He doesn't like talking about himself. 

At 12:30, he has visitation. His friend George visits on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. His friend, Richard, visits Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Sunday there is no visitation. 

Today is Wednesday. 

George comes in at 12:45. John waits for him at a table. George doesn't talk much either. He only asks basic questions for small talk.

"How are you doing, John?"

"Just peachy. And you?"

"I'm doing good. Just got a job."

"That's good."

They sit in silence for a bit.

"Have they put you on any new meds?"

"Yeah. Abilify. Risperidone wasn't helping."

"Lets hope this one works, ey?"

John chuckled. "Yeah, lets hope."

If George only knew.

John goes back to Paul at 1:25 PM. He sits on his bed and Paul sits next to him.

Paul is John's only friend. 

John loves Paul


	4. Paul

Paul is a good friend. He talks with John, sings with him, comforts him, everything a best friend does.

John has a small feeling everytime he sees Paul. That something is wrong.

But John ignores it. He can’t lose Paul. Paul is his only friend.

Paul is very open with John.

John is very open with Paul.

John never tells Paul about the feeling though.

He can't lose Paul.

Because Paul is John's only friend.

John loves Paul.


	5. After

At 1:45 PM, John goes to the free room. It smells like cleaning alcohol in there. John hates it but he has to be there for at least 15 minutes a week. 

John sits there for a few minutes, which turns into an hour. He has one leg crossed over the other, his elbow resting on the chair armrest, his head laid on his knuckles. He sits there.

Paul never joins him here. Paul hates the free room. He says all the loonies go there a lot. 

John looks on as a fight starts between two patients. John leaves as soon as the nurses appear. 

He walks back to his room, and he sees a guitar on his bed with a nurse there. “Your friend dropped this off for you earlier as a gift,”

John smiled and grabbed the guitar. He read the tag, “Here you go, buddy. Saw it in the shop and I just had to get it for you. - Richie” 

He started tuning it, and Paul stared at him. “That guitar is beautiful, John. Why don’t you play me something?”

John nodded, starting to play “Shake, Rattle, and Roll.”

Once he was finished he looked at Paul. Paul smiled, clapping. “Very good, John! Play me another, will you?”

All the way until the late hours of the day, he played songs for Paul. 

Paul is John’s only friend. 

John loves Paul. 


	6. Music

John usually goes to sleep at 12:45 AM. He lays down at about 10 PM but lays awake. Thinking.

He doesn’t know what he thinks about the most. He just..thinks. 

Paul is always asleep by 9:30, saying he needs his beauty rest.

John wakes up, and spends an hour writing in his journal, and drawing sketches of Paul. John loves art.

The nurses come around to give out medication. A nurse gives him the plastic cup. He looks at the colored pills.

He puts them in his mouth, swallows, and they leave him alone after that. After they leave, John rushes to his bathroom. He bends down, sticking two fingers down his throat.

He throws up, and breathes heavily. He sees the pills and sighs, glad he doesn't have to do it again.

He flushed, and stood up. He washed out his mouth with water at the sink. 

Paul smirks at him. 

John goes to lunch at 11:30 AM. Nobody noticed he skipped breakfast.

He eats, and goes back to his room.

He grabs his guitar and strums a while, mindlessly playing chords.

He stops when he hears quiet circus music.

It gets louder. Paul looks at him. 

He covers his ears, the music now ear bleedingly loud. 

He doesn't hear his own screams and the nurses pulling at his arms, trying to get him to stop yelling.

Paul watches on. 

Paul is John's only friend.

John loves Paul.


	7. dream

John doesn’t remember being here, in this dark abyss, alone. 

It's cold. 

He starts to walk, his hands shaking. Where was he? 

He doesn’t know.

He walks further, and when he realizes he’s going nowhere, he runs. 

All he hears is the sound of his own breathing. 

The abyss stops, and next thing John knows he’s on top of a little clearing of a hill. 

The wind rushes past his ears, and the water crashed against the rocks. 

John stood at the edge of the hill in peace, he stood there for a few minutes. 

Then he was pushed. He falls, but he doesn’t scream. 

He falls slowly. His breath hitches, and he closes his eyes. 

He doesn’t feel the impact of the rocks. 

He wakes up. 

He sees Paul. He's glad he's there.

Because Paul is John's only friend.

John loves Paul.


	8. Awake

John sits up, looking around. Paul is standing in the doorway.

He had been put in another room. A "calm down room" Is what they call it.

It made John feel trapped. He hated this room.

He looks at Paul, and he knows something is wrong. 

Paul was looking right into his soul, it seemed.

If John still had one.

John looked away from Paul's cold stare.

"You're pathetic." Paul muttered.

John felt a pang in his chest. He wasn't pathetic.

"You freaked out. Caused quite the commotion, you did."

John looked at him a little confused.

"I don't remember..anything."

"I'm gonna make you remember."

A flash.

John thrashed, kicking and yelling for it to stop. The music has quiet whispering. The quiet whispering got louder, the voices more demanding.

He tried to cover his ears but couldn't. He felt a hand grab his arm and he thrashed to get away from the hold, hitting the pour woman in the eye during the process.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" He yelled.

A syringe was stabbed into his shoulder, and he felt numb. His head felt heavy. He felt like he was swimming.

His eyes closed and his body went limp.

It stopped.

John felt..horrible.

'Poor nurse' He thought. 

Paul sighed.

John hopes Paul doesn't leave him.

Because John is Paul's only friend.

John loves Paul. 


	9. visitation

John was sent back to his room that day. 

It is Thursday. 

He went to visitation at 12:45, and Ringo arrived a few minutes later.

“Hey, Ritchie.”

Ringo smiled at the nickname, “How have you been John?”

John shrugged, “Not great. I was put into a calm down room for a while. The beds there are uncomfortable.”

“What were you put in there for?”

Silence.

“Well, did you like the guitar I got you?”

John nodded, “Some of the other people here are mad though. I never stop playing the thing.”

Ringo grinned, “Well that’s good, i’m glad you like it.”

“Is your new medication working?”

John nodded.

He heard the voice of Mimi in the back of his head, 

“Lying is bad, John. You know that right?”

John looked at Ringo, “Enough about me, how’s your new band coming along?”

“Good! We’ve actually got a gig tonight down at the Cavern Club. Rory is great friends with some of the employees.” He smirked, “But it’s been fun having a band to play with again.” 

“Yeah,” John muttered, “Maybe I can request some time out of here and we can play together again...but after what happened recently I doubt those nurses like me anymore.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”  
“I had an..auditory hallucination or whatever they call it. I guess I freaked out.” 

Ringo gives him a look of pity.

John hates pity. 

“But im sure I can convince them.”

They spoke for a little while more, and Ringo eventually left. 

John went back to his room and laid down.

He hopes Paul talks to him again soon.

Because John is Paul’s only friend.

John loves Paul.


	10. Convince

John wasn't able to convince them at first, due to his little...episode. They said they didn't wanna take any chances with it. 

John thought it was bullshit. He argued with them, and after a while, they agreed to let him leave, but for only 2 weeks. 

He was ecstatic, telling Paul about it as he packed up his belongings. A lighter, some razors, his guitar, and his pictures of Paul. 

He smiled, and went to go persuade the nurse into letting him use the phone. 

Eventually, the nurse was fed up and let him use the phone,

"Be quick or my boss will have my head, Lennon,"

He smirked, and grabbed the phone behind the desk.

He tried to remember Ringo's number, and after putting it in, held the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" 

"Ringo! Hey,"

"John? How did you get a hold of a phone?"

"The nurse at the front let me use her phone," 

"Well..what's up?"

"I got some good news, Ringo, they're letting me leave for 2 weeks!"

"That's great, John!"

"You just have to sign me out today or tomorrow, whichever is better for you," 

"Well, today's my visitation so when I come I'll sign you out and you can stay at my flat." 

John smiled,

"Then its settled, Ringo. I'll see you at 12:45 then?"

"I'll see you, John."

John hangs up, and makes sure to give the nurse a wink and a "thank you" before leaving. 

He headed back to his room, and smiled at Paul.

"Its too bad you can't come, Paul." 

"Oh it's fine, John. I'll be here when you get back, y'know. Im not going anywhere."

"I know," John tilted his head, "I'll still miss you, though."

"It's only 2 weeks."

"Mhm..well, I should get ready for Ringo to sign me out. I gotta collect my medication and such.."

Paul nodded, and looked down as he went back to the magazine he was holding. John had not noticed the magazine. 

John grinned at Paul. 

John is Paul's only friend,

John loves Paul.


	11. Home

(I forgot to mention but Ringo's older in this. He's 18, and lives by himself)

John tapped his foot anxiously, making the pill bottle in his pocket shake, making a noise like a rattle. 

He does this until 12:53 PM when Ringo comes in to sign him out, a smile on his face.

John stood excitedly next to him as Ringo filled out the forms. Ringo signed the bottom and handed it back to the nurse, 

"Now, make sure that he takes his medicine everyday at around 10. Make sure he takes it. Call us if there's any problems."

Ringo nodded, a little weirded out by her assertive tone about John's medication.

John grinned, holding the neck of his guitar tightly. 

"Were gonna have to get you a case for that, huh?" Ringo motioned towards his guitar. 

"Yeah, yeah..but I'm alright with carrying it around for now." John replied, not wanting to sound needy or anything.

They walked, talking about each others life. John didn't share much. He didn't have much to talk about, really. His day was the same everyday. 

Ringo shared, and John listened. Ringo told him about his job, his band, all aspects of his life.

"Playing with Rory is fun but we aren't really getting anywhere with it. We've played at the same club for the past week and a half. I don't think Rory's really passionate about it as much as I am."

John nodded, "I miss playing with you, George, and Stuart." 

Ringo tensed at the mention of Stuart. 

"yeah..me too," 

they stopped at Ringo's door, letting him unlock it with the key in the plant next to the door. 

They stepped in, and loud scratching was heard against the floor as Ringo's dog ran up, sniffing John's shoes. 

John bent down, "What's their name?"

"Her names Bella." 

"She's a very cute dog," John noticed, patting her head. 

Ringo went to feed her and make some tea.

"Make yourself at home, John." 

John sat down in the living room, 

Ringo's house had a friendly warm feeling to it. 

John misses Paul, but he'll be alright.

Paul is John's only friend. 

John loves..Paul.


	12. Different

Once John had gotten his things settled in, he sat down with Ringo, nursing a cup of tea.

"Well, John, how have things been?" Ringo asked, actually curious.

"They're the same everyday, Ritch. I get up, they make me take my medicine, I have breakfast, therapy session..All that rubbish, y'know?" John took a sip of the tea, mindlessly petting Bella as she licked his hand. 

John smiled at the little dog, and Ringo stood up, grabbing John's now empty tea cup, "What time do you usually take your medication?"

"I already took them for the day, but usually at 10 AM or so." John told him.

“Well, how do you feel about having a walk into town?” Ringo suggested, hoping John would accept. John had been in the hospital for quite a long time, and Ringo wanted John to see the outside world again.

“Yeah, we can take Bella on a walk too,” John grinned at the small dog as she wagged her tail.

Ringo grabbed her leash, clipping it onto her pretty red collar. Ringo handed the strap to John, “Hold on tight so she doesn’t run off. She’s a sly dog, can’t trust her.” he joked.

John nodded, holding tightly. Ringo grabbed his coat, opening the door and off they went. They walked a little while until they got to the park.

Ringo brought John to the middle of the park, showing him the large white fountain.

John marveled at the fountain, “They didn’t have this before I was admitted..”

“Yeah, I wanted to come show it to you,” Ringo told him, sitting down on a bench.

John sat down next to him, “Paul would love this.”

“Paul?” Ringo looked at him confused,

“Paul is a friend of mine at the hospital. He’s my roommate.”

“Oh..why don’t you tell me a bit about him?”

“He’s wonderful Ringo. He listens to me when I get overwhelmed. He likes to sing too, so he always sings old songs with me while I play the guitar. He compliments my art. He has this droopy doe-like eyes, and the most nicely kept eyebrows i’ve ever seen on a guy in my life..” John trailed off, smiling. He missed Paul and couldn’t wait to see him again.

“This Paul chap sounds like a real keeper then, huh John?” Ringo nudged him, winking.

John blushed, “No, no..he’s just a friend.”

“Mhmm,” Ringo hummed sarcastically.

Bella sniffed John’s ankle curiously, wanting to walk again.

John stood up, “We ought to get her home,” he patted the top of her head.

Ringo stood up as well, and they walked back to Ringo’s.

Ringo unlocked the door, stepping inside. John unclipped Bella’s leash, letting her run into the house.

“We could watch some TV if you’d like,” Ringo told John as he turned on the TV,

“Oh yes, I miss quality TV dearly. We don’t have many channels, and the good ones have shit quality.” John laughed.

“Ill order pizza and we can watch some tv, alright?”

“Fine by me.” John replied.

John still missed Paul, but being with Ringo and outside of the hospital made him so happy.

John hopes Paul misses him.

Because Paul is John’s only friend.

John loves Paul.


	13. Overwhelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John actually takes Ziprasidone, not Abilify, sorry. Made a mistake earlier in the story. Happy reasding though

John mindlessly ate his slice of pizza, staring at the TV as an episode of The Office played. 

He spaced out, voices quietly whispering to him. The voices may be quiet but they were demanding. 

They spoke utter nonsense, and John couldn’t make out any of what they were saying.\

John bit his lip, trying to ignore the voices to the best of his ability. He tried his best to focus on the TV, but soon spaced out completely, the voice of Michael Scott completely fading out. 

It felt like hands were grabbing his shoulder, he jerked away from them. The voices became louder, not shouting but getting there. 

It felt like the fingers were padding up and down his arm, and he pulled his knees to his chest. He knew it wasn’t real, he knew it but it felt so fucking real. 

He sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep himself from freaking out. Not in front of Ringo. He’d think he was crazy and send him right back when he’s just gotten out. 

Ringo glanced over at John, concern washing over him. John was biting down on his lip tightly, gripping his ears. 

“John?” Ringo quietly called his name, watching John take in a deep breath, exhaling shakily. 

The voices quieted and John removed his hands from over his ears. 

He breathed in shakily a few times, praying they didn’t come back. The feeling of the fingertips went away, and he relaxed. 

“John?” Ringo called out again, worried for John. 

“Im fine.”

“The uh..the voices bothering you?” Ringo asked, and John subtly nodded.

“I thought your medication was supposed to help that.” Ringo looked at him, a little confused and concerned still. 

“They aren’t miracle workers, y’know. Things still happen sometimes..” John took a bite of his pizza, looking at the TV once more.

“Sorry you have to deal with that.” Ringo replied in pity. 

John shrugged, “It’s fine. I’ve been dealing with it for forever now. I’ve gotten used to it.”

Ringo couldn’t imagine what it would be like to hear voices that no one else could, that were only in your head. It sounds awful, so it must be pretty awful. 

Bella ran up, her small tail wagging, sniffing John’s shoes. She jumped onto the couch, laying next to John, almost as if she could tell something was wrong.

John pet her softly, trying to focus on her. He missed talking to Paul, or actually, just being able to talk to Paul. He didn’t want to seem crazy to Ringo. 

Bella huffed, sniffing John’s hand before running to the door. Ringo stood up, “Im gonna smoke a fag while i’m out there, wanna join me?” he asked. John nodded, walking outside with him.

“Do they allow you to smoke there?” Ringo asked, handing John a cigarette. John put it between his lips, letting Ringo light up. 

“No, unless you buy smokes off of someone, there’s no way you’re getting one in there.” John laughed, taking a drag. 

Cigarettes used to be his entire source of comfort. He smoked a pack or two per day, but when he got into the institution, they took them from him and didn’t allow him to have any no matter how much he begged. They didn’t want him to burn his skin with them. 

Bella ran around the yard, sniffing around. She did her business, and then ran back to them. 

John puffed the cigarette, opening the door to let Bella in. 

“Do you know why that nurse was so adamant on me making sure you took your meds?” Ringo finally asked. He had wondered since she told him.

John paused, almost frozen in place.

“S-sorry, I shouldn’t ask. It isn’t my place.”

John quickly turned to him, “No, no it’s alright. I just..was a difficult patient. I would refuse my medication a lot. I got better at taking it but they still don’t trust me.”

Ringo nodded, “Alright.” 

He looked up at the sky, the sun was setting soon and it was gonna get dark.

“I’m gonna head inside,” Ringo stomped out his cigarette, clearing his throat.

John shook his head, “Yeah..i’ll be in in a minute.” 

Ringo went inside without another word, and John heard Bella’s barks of excitement.

John sat down on Ringo’s stairs, finishing off what was left of his cigarette. 

It got dark before John knew it, and he stood up, throwing the long burnt out ciggie into the grass. 

He walked inside, trying not to make noise.

He went upstairs, going down the hallway to his room. 

He sat on his bed, and grabbed his bag, pulling out his sketchbook.

John smiled as he grabbed his pencil, sketching a picture of Paul. All was going well until the voices started the speak up again. He tried to ignore them, and they went away, but we’re replaced by Paul’s voice.

 _“You’re pathetic.”_ Paul spat.

John’s hand started shaking, and he tried to keep drawing. It wasn’t real, the voice wasn’t real no matter what they told him.

Paul’s voice got louder, _“You’re pathetic, John Lennon. Nothing but a soddin loony stuck in a building with his own kind!”_

John dropped his pencil, gripping his sketchbook so tightly his knuckles were white.

He sucked in a deep breath, praying the voice would go away soon.

 _“You’re nothing, John. Why don’t you kill yourself? Just do it. Kill yourself, John. Kill yourself! Kill yourself! KILL YOURSELF!”_ The voice shouted, now wavering into a deeper male voice.

John grabbed at his ears, wanting to yell at the voice to stop. He leaned against the wall, grinding his teeth.

 _“KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF!”_ The voice continued to shout demandingly.

John slammed his head into the wall, “Leave me alone-” he muttered angrily. 

Music played quietly, a soft piano as the man shouted louder. Other voices joined in, shouting and yelling demands at him. Most were either telling him to hurt himself or others, mentioning names like Paul and Richie occasionally. 

John felt a tear roll down his cheek, and he flinched as a woman let out a loud scream, drowning out the other voices.

He absentmindedly started slamming his head into the wall, crying for them to stop.

They never did though, no matter how much he cried for them to.

Shadows moved across the walls, laughing at him, mocking him. He started hyperventilating, losing touch with what was reality.

He slammed his head again, making a loud bang. “Stop it! Stop it, stop shouting, stop it please-” he begged, tugging at his ears.

John started to loudly sob, not being able to handle everything. It was so overwhelming. 

He heard footsteps coming near him but didn’t know if they were real or just another hallucination playing tricks on him. 

John felt a hand on his shoulder and he stopped slamming his head to look at them.

It was Ringo.

John wanted to believe Ringo was real but he couldn’t. What if he wasn’t? What if this was another hallucination mocking him?

“You’re not real,” John muttered in a shaky breath.

“John-”

“You’re not real, no, you’re a hallucination. You’re not..real.” John kept repeating. 

Ringo sighed, getting eye level with him. 

“John, I am real, it’s me, Ringo.”

John shook his head, “No you’re-” but was cut off by another loud scream. He let out another quiet cry, grabbing locks of his hair. 

The voices yelled and shouted, causing him a severe headache. He slammed his head against the wall again. 

Ringo tried to stop John from doing this, starting to talk to him again. 

“John, I am real. It’s me, Ringo, alright?”

John nodded, “Okay. Okay.”

“Are there voices talking to you?” Ringo asked, trying to distract John.

“Yes. Yes, they’re shouting at me,”

“What are they saying? Are they telling you to do something?”

“They’re telling me to kill myself. And to hurt you. They want me to hurt you..they keep yelling-”

Ringo felt sorry for John. 

“Do you have any way to drown them out?” He asked, hoping there was some sort of coping mechanism for John.

“H..headphones. My headphones-” John replied, tugging at his ears again.

Ringo looked on John’s bed, grabbing his phone and headphones. 

John grabbed them, putting them in his ears. Ringo pressed play on a song, “Moonlight Serenade” by Glen Miller.

John breathed in deeply, trying to keep his breathing steady.

The voices gradually got quieter before being reduced to light whispering, which he could deal with. 

Ringo breathed a sigh of relief as John removed the headphones.

“Are you alright?” He finally asked, looking him directly in the eye.

“Yes. I should be. They’re being quiet now.”

“Does..does that happen a lot?” 

John nodded, “I just don’t completely freak out like that.” he told him. 

“Will you..will you be alright if I leave you alone?”

John nodded once more, “I’ll be alright.”

Ringo stood up, “Alright. Come get me if you need me.” 

He left and John grabbed his sketchbook, seeing Paul’s face roughly sketched.

He missed Paul. He missed him a lot but he also loved being here with Ringo, even if it has been difficult so far.

He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

He didn’t fret too long, knowing he would see Paul again soon.

He still missed him though, 

Because Paul is John’s only friend.

John loves Paul.


	14. Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talk of self harm, purposefully throwing up

John doesn’t remember falling asleep last night.

He wakes up leaned against the wall, his neck aching and his legs in an awkward position. He stretched out, standing up. 

He removed his headphones and looked at his phone. 

It was 9%. The time was 10:34 AM. 

The smell of eggs and bacon reached his nose and he almost moaned at the smell. He plugged up his phone and went downstairs.

Bella barked at the sight of John, happy to see him awake.

“Mornin’, John!” Ringo exclaimed, moving the eggs in the pan around with a for, adding shredded cheese to them. 

“Morning.” John simply replied, sitting down. Ringo set a cup of tea in front of him, and John quickly grabbed it. He desperately needed something to wake him up. 

He sipped at it as Ringo finished up breakfast.

“Do you want eggs, bacon, or both?”

John thought about it for a second. Both sounded nice,

“Both, I suppose.”

Ringo nodded, putting both on a plate. He put it in front of John with a fork, and his pills set in front of him, John looked at them. How was he gonna get away with not taking them? He sighed, knowing there was no way to escape them with Ringo looking at him. 

He grabbed the pills, taking them with a sip of water. After that, John happily started eating.

“I didn’t know you cooked, Rich.”

Ringo shrugged, “It’s a bit of a hobby. It’s fun, I guess.” 

John ate the rest, and Ringo cleaned up. John grabbed a tiny piece of bacon and gave it to Bella.

“Shh, don’t tell him I gave you that.” John winked at her. Bella ran off happily to her bed, curling up. 

“So, John, where do you want to go today?” Ringo asked, leaning against the corner. 

“Do they have any record shops near here?” John asked.

“Yes, just down the road is a good little record shop. We can pop over in a bit if you’d like.”

John nodded, “I haven’t been to a record shop since I was admitted.” 

Ringo looked at him understandingly, “They really don’t let you out much do they?”

John shook his head, “They want to focus on ‘treatment,’ I suppose.” 

“Do you have any idea when they’ll let you out?”

John shrugged, “I think at 18 I can check myself out and don’t need a parent or guardian to.” 

Ringo grabbed his cup of tea, taking a sip. “Cause then you’re a legal adult?”

John hummed, “Yep.”

Ringo set down his mug and put some food in Bella’s bowl.

“I’m gonna hop in the shower, can you show me where it is?”

Ringo pointed down the hallway, “On the right, second door.”

John started his stride towards the bathroom, unbuttoning his shirt. 

He turned on the right and went to the second door. 

He started the shower, and looked in the mirror. He bit the inside of his cheek. He got on his knees in front of the toilet, mentally preparing himself. He shoved his fingers into the back of his throat quickly, moving his head forward as he threw up. He coughed, his throat burning. He saw the pills, and sighed. His chest moved up and down quickly as he caught his breath. 

He stood up, taking off his clothes and laying out a towel to use when he was done. 

He stepped in the shower after it got to a nice warm temperature. 

The water ran across his smooth back, soothing John’s aching muscles. His shower was going fine until the voice was whispering quietly again. He tried to ignore it, but it got increasingly louder.

 _“Take out the blade in that razor. Drag it across your skin.”_ It muttered over and over. John bit his lip. He couldn’t, he shouldn’t. _He won’t._

The voice became more demanding and John scrubbed at his skin harder, trying to use pain as a distraction. 

He sighed angrily, finishing up his shower. The voice didn’t leave him alone. 

He dried off and went upstairs, changing into clean clothes. 

He looked at his drawing of Paul, maybe he’d finish it. 

He grabbed his pencil, continuing to draw him. Sketching his face, making sure to get every detail. 

He drew his doe eyes, droopy but not sad. Filled with emotion, but nothing at all at the same time. Paul was just there and that was enough.

John finished, and looked down at the drawing. It wasn’t his best work, but he loved it regardless, especially because Paul was the subject. 

John threw on some clothes, grabbed his phone off the charger, slipped his phone in his pocket, put on his jacket, and went downstairs. 

“What time does that record shop open?” John asked.

Ringo hesitated, “I think it opens at 11.”

“What time is it?”

“About 11:15.”

“Wanna go soon? Get there before a lot of people do?’

Ringo nodded, “We can leave in 20 if you want?”

John smiled, “Alright, I’m gonna take Bella out and smoke if that’s alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah..” Ringo handed John a smoke, “Make sure she doesn’t run off.” 

John whistled for Bella, grabbing his lighter. He opened the door, and Bella ran out, sniffing around the yard.

John lit the cigarette, watching Bella happily run across the yard, sniffing around the trees. He looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful shade of baby blue, and the clouds weren’t fully there, more wispy than usually. 

Bella did her business and ran back up to the porch where John stood, he sat down on the steps, petting Bella as he waited for Ringo. 

10 minutes later, Ringo popped out of the door. He clipped on Bella’s leash, and they started walking. John eventually lost the cigarette, tossing it into the grass. They switched off with who held her leash. Bella just had to stop at every pole and bush to sniff it. 

It wasn’t long before they got to the record store. The bell dinged as they stepped in, and Bella sniffed the carpet. John looked around. The record store looked like it had _everything._

John strode over to the older records, looking through them quickly. He stopped at a Buddy Holly record, smiling. He’d get that one.

He picked out an Elvis record or two, and that was enough. He held the three records to his chest tightly and went to find Ringo.

Ringo was scanning through other 50’s records, holding Chuck Berry and Little Richard 45’s and 33’s. 

“Little Richard, hm?” John quipped.

Ringo almost jumped out of his skin, twisting his head around to look at John. “Arsehole, you scared the shit out of me!” he punched John in the shoulder. John laughed, “Sorry, lad.”

Ringo grabbed his records, “You find something you like?” he asked John. John nodded, “Some Elvis, Buddy Holly. You know.”

Ringo nodded, and they went up to pay. John pulled out whatever cash he had but before he could give it to the cashier to pay for his records, Ringo paid for the both of them.

“You didn’t have to do that.” John twisted Bella’s leash around his hand so she wouldn’t run off. 

“I know. I wanted to.”

John held his bag with his records, smiling. He knew Ringo had a record player at home. 

They made it home soon, and John took off Bella’s leash, letting her run free into the house. Ringo hung up her leash. 

“I’m gonna head upstairs, I'll see you in a bit, Rings.”

“Ta, John.” 

John headed upstairs, laying his records on the bed. He took his phone off the charger, putting in his headphones, listening to youtube absentmindedly. 

He admired his drawing of Paul.

He missed Paul. 

Because Paul is John’s only friend. 

John loves Paul.


End file.
